bondsofsuffering | limelight

I want to be...

[ trails off, considering ]

...strong enough to protect what matters. And I think he has more of an idea how that feels than I do.

So yeah, I guess so. In some ways.

[His feelings in response are - complicated. He doesn't want that, but he knows it's not his place to say what Aster can and cannot be, so he's immediately trying to bury that initial feeling.]

You and Cinth both, huh.

I guess?

[ shrugs ]

I don't think it's the same thing. I'm not — whatever. But I've been bad at basically all of these performances, and basically everything in between too, and that'd be okay anywhere else? But not on the murder cruise deluxe.

You really think that?

Um. There isn't a single performance that went better because I was there. But there are plenty that went worse.

Edited 2024-12-08 04:06 (UTC)

You did fine in all the social ones, though. And besides that, every time death was on the table, I'm the one with a 2 for 2 track record for arguing the choice that got us all killed.

[ shakes his head ]

In the first one...my voice didn't matter, just like the Dame said. I didn't get a say in what happened to anyone. And what I argued for was so predictable and selfish that no one there, and no one who heard about it later, took my perspective seriously. But I know you well enough to know that you must've tried really hard to figure it out. You must've had good reasons that convinced a lot of the others. You weren't wrong, it was just unfair.

In the last one? I argued for the same choice as you. You might remember me personally vouching for everyone who beheaded us. I really wanted it to make a difference that I was there for all of you this time. It didn't. That situation was unfair, too.

My decision in the first one is still the one that left you alone.

[And unlike wbb, he still regrets that.]

...I got off-track, though.

Uh, wait no, I want to stay on this track actually.

[ pulls back again to look snow in the eyes ]

Is that what you really think?

[Oh. Well, in that case, he'll look Aster right in the eyes when he says:]

I think you're important to me, and always have been. I think I want to stop making choices that lead to you suffering - but I also don't need you to be "better" in any way for me to keep feeling that way.

[ needs to swallow down the tightness in his throat before he can answer that ]

Decisions we make in performances aren't all on you. I never thought of that day as your choice. I thought you knew that.

I know that.

[Logically, anyway.]

But it doesn't change the fact that I've been consistently arguing for the options that have gotten us all killed three times now. That's not a good track record, no matter how you spin it.

Hey, the choices you argued for only got me killed twice. Don't give yourself too much credit. I tried to get myself killed in the first one all on my own.

...plenty of things here have made me suffer. You, or your choices, have never been one of them.

...Then I guess I'm the one who can't forgive myself for being so wrong every single time.

You're not wrong.

[ reaches to take his face with both hands, gentle ]

Not wanting to kill Velveteen wasn't wrong. Not wanting to hit people who'd helped us wasn't wrong. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I know I said — a lot of things, but I never meant it like that. And I never wanted you to feel this way.

[He allows the touch - leans into it even - but his smile remains strained.]

It's not just you. I can want to pick the "right" choice to protect the others on my own, too, you know.

[ makes a sound — rueful, sad, incredibly fond ]

Maybe you're right. Maybe we do kind of suck at this.

[ pulling his face closer so they can rest foreheads against one another ]

Third time's the charm?

[He's only too happy to rest his head against Aster's.]

...That's the hope, anyway.

There's something Satin told me before the last one.

That one way to protect your Family through these things is to try to protect their hearts, since what happens to us physically can be out of our control. Finding the path of least regret. What we can live with best, you know.

There's probably too many of us to have one answer that works for all of us. We're all pretty different people. But by that metric? I still think you've been doing a really, really good job at protecting us.

[His expression falls a little, but he tries for a smile again, as if out of habit.]

...I wish I could believe you.

I know.

But...for the last one, I was glad you suggested the list that you did. Even with how it ended, even though I regret who we did kill and who we did hurt, I would've had a hard time doing it any other way.

We know now that it would've spared us a little, but it still would've kept me up at night to think that I was willing to kill someone who was helping me find my feet after I lost my memory. To think I was willing to kill Forte's sister, 'cause there was no way of knowing she wasn't there.

And I think that's how it would've been for Val after the first one, if you'd done any different. For Lotus. For Azalea. Maybe even for you and Cinth. For Brocade and everyone who loves Velveteen. And...even for me. There wasn't any way out of that one without hurting me. That's just how it was.

...

I don't regret the decisions in wed, bed, behead - or at least, not in a vacuum.

That's not the problem.

...then tell me what the problem is.

...Each time, I've argued for the option that got us all killed.

Maybe it was easier on our consciences - these times. But in the case with Vel, I was sure I was right.

How many times will I do that? Convince myself I'm in the right, arguing my side against the others, only to wind up dead on the floor again?

I can't even trust in my own logic, here.

[ quiet a long moment ]

Can I suggest something?

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