bondsofsuffering | limelight

[ needs to swallow down the tightness in his throat before he can answer that ]

Decisions we make in performances aren't all on you. I never thought of that day as your choice. I thought you knew that.

I know that.

[Logically, anyway.]

But it doesn't change the fact that I've been consistently arguing for the options that have gotten us all killed three times now. That's not a good track record, no matter how you spin it.

Hey, the choices you argued for only got me killed twice. Don't give yourself too much credit. I tried to get myself killed in the first one all on my own.

...plenty of things here have made me suffer. You, or your choices, have never been one of them.

...Then I guess I'm the one who can't forgive myself for being so wrong every single time.

You're not wrong.

[ reaches to take his face with both hands, gentle ]

Not wanting to kill Velveteen wasn't wrong. Not wanting to hit people who'd helped us wasn't wrong. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I know I said — a lot of things, but I never meant it like that. And I never wanted you to feel this way.

[He allows the touch - leans into it even - but his smile remains strained.]

It's not just you. I can want to pick the "right" choice to protect the others on my own, too, you know.

[ makes a sound — rueful, sad, incredibly fond ]

Maybe you're right. Maybe we do kind of suck at this.

[ pulling his face closer so they can rest foreheads against one another ]

Third time's the charm?

[He's only too happy to rest his head against Aster's.]

...That's the hope, anyway.

There's something Satin told me before the last one.

That one way to protect your Family through these things is to try to protect their hearts, since what happens to us physically can be out of our control. Finding the path of least regret. What we can live with best, you know.

There's probably too many of us to have one answer that works for all of us. We're all pretty different people. But by that metric? I still think you've been doing a really, really good job at protecting us.

[His expression falls a little, but he tries for a smile again, as if out of habit.]

...I wish I could believe you.

I know.

But...for the last one, I was glad you suggested the list that you did. Even with how it ended, even though I regret who we did kill and who we did hurt, I would've had a hard time doing it any other way.

We know now that it would've spared us a little, but it still would've kept me up at night to think that I was willing to kill someone who was helping me find my feet after I lost my memory. To think I was willing to kill Forte's sister, 'cause there was no way of knowing she wasn't there.

And I think that's how it would've been for Val after the first one, if you'd done any different. For Lotus. For Azalea. Maybe even for you and Cinth. For Brocade and everyone who loves Velveteen. And...even for me. There wasn't any way out of that one without hurting me. That's just how it was.

...

I don't regret the decisions in wed, bed, behead - or at least, not in a vacuum.

That's not the problem.

...then tell me what the problem is.

...Each time, I've argued for the option that got us all killed.

Maybe it was easier on our consciences - these times. But in the case with Vel, I was sure I was right.

How many times will I do that? Convince myself I'm in the right, arguing my side against the others, only to wind up dead on the floor again?

I can't even trust in my own logic, here.

[ quiet a long moment ]

Can I suggest something?

What?

[ closes his eyes briefly, swallows ]

[ then opens them, meeting snow's gaze

the bracelets might not be active anymore, but maybe snow can recognize some of what he's seeing: grief, regret, fear, anger, ruefulness...and a lot of affection ]

Maybe we really are getting it wrong.

And maybe that's why. You want to figure it out and get it right. I want to...be braver when it goes bad. Balance the scales.

But neither of those are enough to do better in performances. So I guess what I'm saying is...maybe there's no trusting in you or me or even Aloe or Cinth or anyone.

Maybe the thing to trust in is us. If you think you're right, tell me exactly why. And I swear, if I don't agree, I'll tell you. I won't just say yes. Just like you'll hear me out when I have a gut feeling or a reckless idea, even if I can't explain it as well as you can. Just like we'll listen to what everyone else has to say.

[He watches Aster at first, worrying a little at his lip - not quite satisfied with that, but then, even by Aster's own admission, it was never going to be.

...His gaze drops.]

...Yeah. I guess you're right.

I wouldn't go that far. But it's something to try. We're...usually dropped into these things as groups. Maybe it's because it takes a group.

Well, that and...

I think my problems with it all can't ever be solved anyway, so it's better to focus on that instead.

That makes two of us, trust me.

That's just the way it is, here...

...yeah.

[ laughs a little, wry ]

Geez. You're talking about getting it wrong, but I'm the one who thought you were getting really sick of me up until that last performance. Talk about a misread.

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