bondsofsuffering | IC CONTACT; ASGARD [CLOSED]

[Something in him seems to crumple at that as if under a physical blow, the words hitting far too close to issues he'd yet to vocalize to anyone. Part of him, an upsettingly large part, didn't want to leave. Didn't want to go back to what he knew would be a lonely, painful future.

'What's holding your heart up?'

Asgard had torn his stability away bit by bit, too much at once for him to predict, and he was still shaken. Part of him wanted to rush home, afraid of the loss of willpower staying even longer could create, the temptation all this time had created to simply run, be free. Part of him wanted to cling to this place, like a dream he didn't want to wake from. He sets his cup down on the floor before his tense hands spill it, using it as an excuse to look down and away.]

....Is it so bad that I want one of us to have a chance?

[A chance at happiness.]

[It's then that the guilt settles in, seeing Ayumu's reaction. But it's not something he could apologize for, either. Even if Ayumu hadn't meant to hurt him, it still stung him deeply, and he doesn't have the patience to pretend he'll be okay anymore.]

...You're the last chance I've got. Dyin' here or there-- the only difference it makes to me is how long it takes.

[The knowledge that no matter what he did, no matter how hard he fought, people he cared for, people who depended on him would suffer-- it was suffocating, stifling. His hands come up, pressing into his face as he breathes, taking in air that seemed too thin for his lungs, his throat oddly tight.

He presses hard until stars of pain burst behind his eyes, steadying him a little, giving him some balance, a focus.]

It's really too much to wish for, isn't it......

[Hizumi takes the opportunity to set the mug on the nightstand by his bed, using it much the same way as Ayumu did with his own; an excuse to look away.]

...We can still stay. There's nothin' stoppin' us. Time won't move on as long as we're here, and 'sides, even from Rutherford's point of view...

All that already happened.

[He neglects to mention exactly what he means by "that," but neither of them really need the reminder right now of all times.]

It won't affect anything so long as we're here.

[So why not take advantage of it...?]

I could. [His voice is soft. It's tempting, so tempting, to agree. To stay here for the rest of his life, years and years more than he'd have back home, more fulfilled and happier than he could ever dream of otherwise.]

A life like that..... doing whatever I wanted, with you by my side, never alone again.... It's everything I ever wanted.

[He doesn't raise his head, though.]

But if I stayed, I don't know if I could ever bring myself to leave.

[It's an admittance of weakness, if anything-- he had to leave someday, even if he chose to stay for years, this wasn't where he was meant to be. He needed to go back, because keeping things like that.... it was too selfish, wasn't it? It was too much to ask.]

[Hizumi's voice is similarly quiet.]

Why's that such a bad thing, though? You havin' to take responsibility for everyone else--

None of that's your fault. It was just shoved on you by your brother and that stupid fate. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself so much. Even though you've got so little already, you keep havin' to give and give...

You'll hit your limit someday. Even if it's just two years, it's too much.

[He knows he's being selfish. But there's a genuine concern there, too. There's only so much strength Ayumu possessed...

What would happen to him when he could give no more?]

[And this, this is why they'd told him not to trust Hizumi. He'd tried not to, at the beginning, but over their time in Asgard, he'd become his strongest support, someone he's let close in spite of knowing what would come. He couldn't truly regret it, but.....

It made this so much harder.]

Because if it wasn't for the blade children, I'd have gone through life living like a shadow. [He'd forgotten what it was, to fight for what he wanted, to have a drive, a goal. Coasting through life like a thing half alive hadn't been living, not really.... he'd been a coward, still was a coward, but he was trying to be someone worthy of all the belief placed in him.

Rio's face, so full of faith and belief in someone like him, Kousuke's casual dismissals even as he threw everything he had into protecting his friends, Eye's strength, quiet and unseeming but brilliant, fighting for those important to him, believing, for their sake and his.

He wanted to protect it all, at least give them a chance to fight.]

Their lives.... they want to have a chance to live, to create good in the world. Just like us. They need a chance to make their hope, and I can give them that. I can try to give all of this some meaning, by stopping my brother.

[His voice is barely a whisper, tired.]

And since I'll die soon anyway, as long as I hold it off long enough, even if I hit my limit it won't matter.

[It was, if anything, a morbid sort of comfort.]

Edited 2015-03-02 08:40 (UTC)

[It's here that Hizumi finally turns to him once again, his expression a mix of shock and concern.]

...How can you say that? It won't be pleasant-- it's the nervous system that'll go first. It'll start with difficulties breathin', until you start losin' movement, too. Everythin' will shut down, bit by bit. And...

...I won't be able to help you there, either.

[Not when he'd lost that right. Even though it has yet to occur, the regret in his voice runs deep.]

You'd be a savior, just like Kiyotaka said-- as a sacrifice.

[Does he really believe he could endure so much...?]

[Loss of movement, huh..... His fingers twitch a bit, but he shakes the thought away. No, not now.]

I don't expect it to be pleasant. [He didn't plan to give up so easily, but he was smart enough to know the end result. Death wasn't supposed to be pretty, it was only a matter of extending his life as long as he could. It would be painful, there was no doubt in his mind.]

No one will be able to help me. That's kind of the point, if I'm guessing what my future self has planned. [he smiles humorlessly.]

Because the blade children will have something I won't, then. I need to show them that even alone, I can fight fate. She won't be there.... and you won't. I'll be isolated.

Edited 2015-03-03 10:01 (UTC)

[--? "She" won't, either...? But wouldn't that have to be...]

...

He got her, too...?

[He can't even be completely surprised, even if the worry deepens. She knew about him, had gotten involved even more than some of the Blade Children themselves as a result--

Would God really allow for a spare piece with no purpose into the composition?]

He hired her. [From the beginning, probably.

Yet he still trusted her...... cared for her, more than he'd ever admit. How much of that was his heart and how much of that was logic remained to be seen, and he couldn't know which he wanted it to be, either. She'd been supporting him this entire time, he supposed he could call himself a fool for not considering it......

But he also knew why he didn't, either.] But she's safe, I think.

[That, at least, was a relief.]

[And so Kiyotaka continued to take...

He looks away again, his hand settling on his arm. Gripping in an attempt to reroute nervous energy as ugly feelings begin to boil once again under his skin.]

I... really don't get you after all.

[It's a defeated sort of sound. Scared, too, of what that means.]

If it were me, I'd have an easier time holdin' a gun to my own head and pullin' the trigger than goin' back to that.

[It's a much simpler motion, all things considered. It didn't take any particular courage. Not like choosing to return to a life like that - if it could really be called much of one.

The thought has his grip tightening, digging into flesh. He's going to lose, at this rate. Everything and all that he managed to have - gone, just like that.]

[Yet, it was because of Hizumi he had the courage to do it. Hizumi, the blade children, his brother, everyone in this mess...... he wanted to be able to make some sort of difference in exchange for all they'd suffered, all they'd given to this cruel fate.]

It's not like I'm not scared. I just want it all to mean something. I think.... that's probably what the 'me' of the future wanted, too. [A pause.] He probably feels the same about you as I do, you know.

[Even after Kanone's murder, Ayumu couldn't imagine himself hating Hizumi...... feeling regret for failing him, maybe, or shame for letting it come to that. Hizumi hadn't wanted to kill-- he'd been stuck in darkness so long, he'd just wanted a way out. Any out he could get.]

You know me by now. You know I don't stop caring about people.... no matter what happens.

[Even when it would be better for his heart to do so. That was why he wanted Hizumi to stay.

He'd like to think his future self might agree with it, too.]

[How can he even respond to that? He knows it's meant to comfort, but he's far beyond as much at this point.

He can understand it all from a logical standpoint. His life was a wreck beyond salvaging. And what Ayumu says is true-- he cares, and quite a lot at that.

It's only natural he'd try to save those who still could. And no amount of care he had for Hizumi could trump the need to help the others.

He can't deal with this anymore. He isn't like Ayumu- with nothing to support him, he simply breaks. He wants out, out of this wretched situation, out of this life.

Would Kanone be saved, he wonders, if the gods just destroyed him the same way they dealt with that Satan? It's a thought born of panicked despair, but he finds himself entertaining it for the moment, desperate for anything but the alternative...

Rather than give any sort of verbal reply, he simply curls in his seat, face buried in his arms as his body shakes with quiet sobs he can no longer hold back.]

IC CONTACT; ASGARD [CLOSED]

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