bondsofsuffering | limelight

...

Also, if Aloe and Nettle are going to be cowards about it, I'll be the selfish one who kicks up a fuss because I don't want you leaving.

[ a little laugh ]

...Aloe probably doesn't, either. Nettle definitely doesn't. And I get it. He got spooked and figured I was just gonna, and then like...wishes his parents were more like those people. Trust me, I wish his parents weren't super assholes, too.

But them being nice or whatever doesn't mean that they get to just, like, start being my parents.

Maybe after a lot of talking and getting to know each other again, but not after one night.

You're a person, not a plushie they're just grabbing from the lost and found.

And they're so...

[ sighs ]

They really are nice. They were mega understanding about basically everything I had to say. If you said what you just told me to them, they'd totally agree. It kind of makes me feel crazy.

-What, just like that? No tears or struggle or anything?

They'd just say things like, "we knew this wasn't going to be easy," and "you can adjust for as long as you need," and "we'll accept you no matter what," and...

...Are you sure they weren't grown in a lab??

[ BURSTS OUT LAUGHING ]

Honestly? If we were on the earth from my memories, I'd be 100% they're monsters. Only people about to kill you act that nice.

[Snickering.]

Hopefully they really are that nice! But it sounds super weird, you gotta admit.

It was super weird. I literally yelled at them, and nothing.

-Wait, seriously?

Seriously. They were just like, sorry, no, we looked really hard. And super understanding when I apologized.

It makes me feel...bad.

I mean... it's kind of a lot to have amnesia and then have people suddenly telling you they're your parents out of nowhere.

Not just that. Like...

[ hesitates ]

Do you remember when we first met? I never would've yelled at anyone for anything. I never really got mad. I couldn't see a reason to ever hate anyone. I definitely never wanted to kill anyone. I didn't have any memories of fighting. Or dying. Or wishing I had. I didn't have any reason to think I wasn't human. I was different.

They don't know any of that. They wouldn't even begin to understand it. The boat is just some stupid fun thing to them. The memories aren't real. Around them, it's just me that's all — messed up, inside.

[He listens, though at the end he's quick to answer:]

I know.

Even if you had been exactly the same as you were before when you got amnesia, between that and the events of the ship, you're not the son they remember. Chances are, you never will be, either.

That one, I can relate to, a little. My parents don't know, and I'm sure they wouldn't get it even if I tried to explain it to them. But even I've changed far less than you.

...sorry. Yeah, that's gonna be all of us.

I just — can't fit with them. I wouldn't fit in their lives. I'm not who they want me to be. I don't even want to be. I always thought finding them would make something about me feel better, but it feels worse. I was so afraid that I wasn't worth looking for, but it turns out that I wasn't worth finding.

Hey, don't say that.

[A gentle admonishment, but one nonetheless, even as his grip on Aster tightens, his hand finding Aster's hair for those regular, soft strokes.]

Your worth doesn't depend on how much you resemble your past self.

No.

[ putting his head on snow's shoulder ]

But I wish they'd never come to the city, and that really is kinda shitty of me.

[Pet pet pet.]

I mean... from what you said, they seem pretty carefree, so it might not matter much to them anyway?

I think it does matter. They were really excited to see me. And the mom was totally gonna get into a slapfight with Nettle's mom if she had to, over me.

And it's like, they've been here for five minutes, and I'm already causing problems. I can barely talk to my brother about them. I hate being around them. Nettle was freaked out before I'd even done anything; there's no way this ends without hurting them. And it's not they're the only people involved. It feels like I can't make a move without making things worse for someone.

Maybe if you told them that to their faces...

But, okay, how about this? Tell them the cruise is actually just stopping temporarily, and you're expected to stay in town and return to the ship once it gets going again. That solves any issue of you having to return with them.

Besides that, tell them you need time to get to know them again. You can even bring along a buddy if you want. They wanted to meet me anyway, right? Have someone along who can help defuse the situation if you need to.

In the meantime, make sure Nettle knows you aren't planning on heading back with them. The cruise will buy us some time to figure out exactly how to make that work out, but you're turning eighteen in a year anyway, so you should be able to choose where you're going to live pretty soon anyhow. It wouldn't be strange at all for you to decide to live in Port Manteau with Nettle permanently.

[ marvels, ]

How do you do that?

Do what?

[ gives him a squeeze ]

Make it seem so easy to make everything better.

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