bondsofsuffering | IC Contact; Empatheias [CLOSED]

[There's a fond smile as he slows so he doesn't trip over Roka. Normally the cat would make for a great distraction so Ayumu could make food in peace, but today is not a day for that.

Instead, he stays as close to Ayumu as possible, and once Ayumu's settled in place with the ingredients, he'll rest his chin on the other's shoulder, arms wrapped loosely around his front from behind. Same as always.]

Extra meat for mine, please.

[The energy is lacking, but he manages a smile, even if it's a weak one.]

Of course.

[He settles into the easy routine of making food, sandwiches he could make in his sleep, but allowing himself to focus on it was comforting, as was the feel of Hizumi's arms around him and head on his shoulders, warm and familiar.

Slowly but surely as he works to build their sandwiches he relaxes, inch by inch, tension seeping away though not gone completely. He's sure to add extra meat to Hizumi's, no chiding for the request this time. Hizumi surely needed it, right now.]

What about drinks?

Edited 2017-08-27 07:49 (UTC)

Just water should be fine.

[It's comforting indeed, the familiar closeness and rhythm as Ayumu sets about making lunch.]

Shall I go fetch the glasses? We can eat at the couch.

[Easier to sit together that way. For all that Ayumu had tried to get close to him before, Hizumi had driven him away. Maybe it was for the better, maybe not, but right now, he's definitely craving for Ayumu's usual affection. The soft, warm kind, unlike the cold he'd held as 'God.']

[Ayumu hesitates a moment to answer that, both because he didn't want Hizumi to let go in spite of his guilt, and the knowledge that Hizumi was still weak on his feet. But if he was sure.... they'd just be moving to the couch, it wasn't that far.]

Alright... go ahead. I'm almost done here, I just need to add the finishing touches.

[He nuzzles at Ayumu's neck briefly before he lets go.]

Meet you there, then.

[Said like it's all that far. He's shaky, but he can grab the glasses alright, filling them with cool water from the water crystal. He'll take them both right over to the couch as promised, waiting on his side for Ayumu so he can get back to leaning on the other's side.]

[Ayumu won't take much longer, what with the simplicity of making sandwiches. He'll scoop up both plates and some napkins, carrying them out to the living room and...

rather than set them on the table, he just settles up against Hizumi's side and hands Hizumi's plate over. Keeping their plates close meant they wouldn't have to pull away from each other, after all.]

[The gesture is appreciated, and Hizumi quickly snuggles up to Ayumu's side.

Sandwich first - he's definitely got to get some food in him - but the tension of trying to hold himself up begins to leak from his limbs as he allows himself to sink comfortably into his seat.

A certain warmth, too, pours into the air, although it's still rather slight.]

[Ayumu's not really feeling up to talking immediately either, so it's fine. He'll curl close to Hizumi, taking his weight against his side when Hizumi relaxes, nibbling on his sandwich. He wasn't really feeling a need for something to fill his stomach, but....

the closesness was a different story.]

[There's a high likelihood that he'll regret eating so quickly later, the weight of it settling at the bottom of his stomach. But his hunger, once whetted with the first proper food in days, has him quickly polishing it off before he sets the plate aside and settles himself next to Ayumu, curling up as close as he can without obstructing the other from his own food.

And then... he speaks again, voice still a little rough where it wasn't before. It's quieter than the norm, but that's probably to be expected, after everything that had happened.]

...You okay? After all that.

[It's only a bit of a stall for time. His lingering memories aren't kind ones, and he's not sure how or if he even really wants to try to articulate the exact awfulness of it all. Any other time and he'd be tempted to simply allow his emotions to do the talking, but...

Well. Right now, emotions are precisely the problem.]

[Ayumu's silent for several moments after Hizumi speaks, fiddling with his sandwich in an uncharacteristic manner. He wasn't one to play with his food at all, so it's a clear sign of some degree of unease on his part.

Eventually he sets his sandwich aside, giving up on his food.]

I'd be lying if I said I was. I.... that wasn't a person I wanted to be.

[A grimace at the memories, before he continues. He was far from happy with what he'd done.]

But you're the one I should be asking that question, I think.

[He gives a short, humorless laugh at that first part.]

That makes two of us.

[But he doesn't turn to face Ayumu as he speaks, only shifting closer as the other teen sets aside his food. Seeking out that comfort now that Ayumu's attention can be spared.]

...It's good that I wasn't able to run freely. Not... like that.

[Not when he was so deep in despair, seeking only the deaths of those around him. He grips tightly at Ayumu's sleeve.]

Edited 2017-09-29 03:29 (UTC)

[Ayumu responds to that grip, turning to curl his body around Hizumi to properly hold him, tucking his free arm around him. It was relieving that Hizumi wasn't rejecting his touch, after....

He still feels shame for treating him like some sort of pet.]

I... I know that. Even as I was, I knew that you'd hate it if you hurt anyone.

[But part of him hadn't cared. As long as he retrieved Hizumi, what was a body or two?]

[He settles into that embrace, burying his face in Ayumu's shoulder. His voice is muffled somewhat, but they're so close it hardly matters.]

Bein' like that... Bein' the Devil...

No matter how it happens, it's like there's no other option but despair. Despair over humanity, over the world...

The only options are to destroy everything, or destroy yourself. But if you destroy yourself, you can't do what you were supposed to. But, if you live...

You have to live as a monster.

[Both options were a bust. Live the awful, heinous life as a Devil? Or fail to complete the job by seeking the only possible death?]

Thoughts like that... I must've turned them around a million times in my head durin' it all.

[Even now, he can feel the thoughts lingering. Even now, he can feel the shadows creeping on the edge of his mind. Memories of fury and despair and helplessness.]

[Ayumu clings a little tighter as Hizumi speaks, responding to the despair and helplessness Hizumi's remembering by trying to act as a support.

Or maybe just because he felt a little of that, himself.]

Even like that.... I didn't... I wouldn't have let you, Hizumi. I wouldn't have.

[It's meant as reassurance, but it's hard to sound reassuring when he knew his reason wasn't out of a real desire to protect Hizumi or anyone else. He swallows against the weight in his throat, and Hizumi can probably feel it from his position.]

I wanted.... to keep you. All to myself. [Away from anyone else who could take him from him.] I thought.... we could go back to how we should be. Or at least...

[At least, he wouldn't be alone, even if captivity made Hizumi suffer more.]

[He lets out an exhale, remaining as close and snug to Ayumu as possible. Trying, if nothing else, to focus on the physical sensation of Ayumu's body wrapped around his rather than the thoughts still swirling in his head.]

Right... if you let anythin' happen to me, you'd be just like Kiyotaka.

[His voice goes low at the thought.]

...I knew, though. I wanted to be with you, even though I hated you. I thought that, maybe if I frustrated you enough, you'd give in and kill me. Or... maybe, if I gave in, I could find some kinda solace.

Neither worked.

[Love and hatred, that desire both to die and to kill... His head was a conflicted mess, really, and he gives it a shake even as he continues to keep his face firmly in Ayumu's shoulder.]

There's no way for either of us to win, like that. It's just a matter of how we lose.

[What a fate to have to bear... It's no wonder neither Yaiba nor Kiyotaka were able to stand it.]

....No happy ending for either of us.

['Win'? His brother won.... but he also lost the only person in the world who could understand how he saw the world.

And that self disgust..... was this how his brother felt, when he stopped to think of the casualties of his actions? They were both lucky that an urgency to bring Hizumi home had overridden the lack of care for other people's lives. He'd felt nothing when Yin had reported what she'd seen but an apathetic sense of concern for the ramifications of the enforcers finding out, and joy that he finally had a location to search.]

But... that isn't us. That was....

[He tucks his cheek against the top of Hizumi's head, snuggling close and searching for a word.]

A nightmare that could have been, but won't be.

[It won't. They'd made sure of it.]

[It's a comforting feeling how, Ayumu's head atop his. He relaxes into that touch, closing his eyes... Not quite peacefully, but a little closer to it, after the emotional tension from before.]

As long as we stay in this world...

[He doesn't bother to think of the ramifications of either of them being pulled away. It's pointless, and it hasn't happened yet, and he's grown too used to clinging to the idea to begin to wonder if it'll happen now. Instead, he gives a short, hollow laugh.]

Really makes me wonder, though, after hearin' about all these other worlds... Did we do somethin' to piss a god off somewhere, in some other life?

[It's just too unfair.]

[Ayumu rubs his cheek against Hizumi's hair, a comforting sensation for him normally, and a sorely needed one now. He'd needed this... this closeness.

He lets out a short breath of a laugh in response to Hizumi's words, though.]

Any god that petty doesn't deserve the title, in my opinion.

[Ayumu had no intention of leaving this world either-- He was still wholly devoted to helping the blade children, but... there had to be a way to do so, from this world. In this world.

He'd keep believing that, until an opportunity came that he could prove it.]

There's a lotta gods who don't deserve the title, I'm pretty sure.

[As he relaxes, the air finally begins to take on the usual warmth of his affection, his appreciation. The weariness, too, begins to fully sink in. His body had rested quite a bit over the past few days, but his mind had failed to get any solid sleep across it all, plagued by the dark thoughts he was.

Even as his breathing begins to settle, those thoughts prevent him from quite opening a link, and instead he continues to rely on his own voice.]

No offense, but you don't make for a very good god. Much better as a regular human, if you ask me.

[His tone lightens just enough to tease.]

[Ayumu's amusement is genuine this time as he speaks, relaxing against Hizumi and shifting a little to lean against the arm of the couch. If allowed, he'll tug Hizumi along with him gently in a half hold, half cuddle, the other draped over him and held snugly in his arms. He wasn't intending on letting go of Hizumi anytime soon, if he could help it-- and they were both exhausted, no doubt about it.]

I think I have to agree with you. Not that I'd prefer it any other way, mind. Being human has it's perks.

[Another nuzzle against the top of Hizumi's head, his voice muffled but audible enough thanks to their closeness.]

Like you, and being able to be like this.

[Hizumi allows himself to be tugged along, coming to rest practically on top of Ayumu, head snug by Ayumu's collarbone. For all the closeness and intimacy the crystal amulets provide, the sound of Ayumu's voice as it reverberates through his own body is pleasant, too.]

"Like me" huh...

[His own voice is musing, warm at both the words and the thought. It's still a hell of a thing, considering himself human. He'd known of his life as the Devil since he was ten; even now, there's bits and pieces of that very life that are still so hard to divorce completely from the now.

But, he's working on it, bit by bit. And even with setbacks like this, he's confident that one day, he'll think of himself as fully human as any other ordinary person.]

Even with little curses like these, it really is a world of blessings. [And here, he moves again, this time to tilt his head upwards to press his lips against Ayumu's, soft - if short.]

Let's see just how far we can take it, shall we?

[Year after year after year... Without any particular composition to follow, without any worry of genes or any other creature suffocating and choking their bodies to death.]

[Ayumu returns that kiss when Hizumi leans in for it, and presses yet another short, gentle kiss to his forehead before they part. Hizumi was warm in his arms, better than any blanket, and Ayumu knew he'd very much enjoy dozing off as they were if time allowed it.]

As far as we can.... and as long as we want. We might not have the insight to predict the future like gods, but we can handle whatever comes our way if we're together.

[Alone, Ayumu might not have been able to pick up the pieces after some of the past odd events here, but with Hizumi-- he could find his equilibrium again.]

Though... maybe after a short nap, hm?

No amount of prediction'd be worth bein' separated from you.

[He raises his hand as he looks up, brushing it lightly and fondly through Ayumu's hair... Or at least, as much as he can reach from this angle.]

...Y'know, I've spent most of the past few days sleepin', but a little more doesn't sound bad at all.

[In fact, his eyes are already beginning to droop, breathing already deep and regular as he rests in Ayumu's arms.]

IC Contact; Empatheias [CLOSED]

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cw: suicide

Re: cw: suicide

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